So again (I know it’s getting annoying) I’m in a downward spiral of negative thinking and “hating” my hands/art/my skills etc. But as we know, no one likes to really read whiners and whining and etc.
As we all know “Resistance”♥ loves the fact that I don’t do my studies everyday, or keep telling myself that “I’m (insert negative comment here)”. But, yes there’s an uplifting moment coming, if not for anyone mostly for myself to REITERATE into my brain; I’m none of those and they are just excuses I’m allowing myself to believe so I don’t have to work for anything.
Yea it’s easy giving up, you don’t have to do anything. No I’m not talking about the decision of giving up but the action to give up is easier than doing my work. Which is to hone my skill/ level up my ability to draw and paint, making illustrations and the like.
I look at old masters and the books I bought to help myself. Flipping through them and researching old masters, what I realized was that somewhere deep inside me I thought myself better than them, in a matter of speaking. Not that my ability was better but that my “sense of art” was better. Reading Steve Huston’s amazing new book “Figure Drawing for Artists” he uses so many references and images to show me how old masters did gesture, structure, etc and it was by painters and artists that I took for granted. These painters and artists like Raphael Sanzio, Francis Boucher, and many others had their foundation and skills down, because that was their way of living. This is what counted for them to keep eating everyday and they were consumed day and night to be better than the other artists in their time.
No I’m not better than the masters, I have a lot to learn still. I have a long way to go to even reach the stars of where Jean Leon Gerome went, or even the sensibility of style that Leyendecker created, or the details that Adolf Hiremy Hirschl shows along with Sargent’s works. But I want to thrive to be better, to dare to say “I want to be called a master”.
I’m sure they all wen through doubts and self-pity and etc, maybe they didn’t but that’s not what matters. What matters is to keep doing, to keep working, to keep dreaming, and reaching out.
I guess it’s some what of a declaration within myself that I’ll keep studying old artist instead of feeling sorry for myself when I feel down from now on. To keep moving my hands even if I feel like nothing I do is better than before. Even if the doubt creeps into my head and tell me “you’re useless” “your skills are ugly” I gotta keep at it, accept that part as a friend that is trying to help me not get hurt too much by raising my own glass too high. I just have to show it other wise of what I’m capable of.
♥= in reference to the book The War of Art
Sorry for the long post/update on my brain thoughts. Here are some studies and such I’ve done since my last post.